I've been away for a bit, which is to explain why I haven't written for our esteemed local newspaper for a couple of years.

Well, made so much money shorting bank stocks in the crash there that madame said we had to go out and enjoy ourselves. But, eventually, even world cruises come to an end and we came back and opened up the big house and hired some more servants.

Great thing about depressions is how the cost of servants goes down. Hope you've noticed.

They're also a lot more, uh, tractable. Ready to go the extra mile, they value that slim paycheck at the end of the month.

Anyway, travelling the world and then returning here to this controversy over illegal immigration had me thinking about citizenship. When you're travelling, even in luxury, you have to deal with citizenship issues, if only because you're using your passport and going through immigration and customs all the time.

Anyway, it's clear to me that a change has to come. Citizenship in the great US of A, can't be some freebie anymore. You can't be an American just by being born here. No, sir, from now on you should have to buy that right.

More than that, I think it's time to propose a set of tiers of citizenship, defined by how much money you're prepared to pay for it. I think this is the new American way, which come to think of it, is a lot like the old American way.

Anyone who can't stump up $500 a year for their citizenship, well, forget it. They're non-citizens and they have no rights. None. This is America, dammit, and it belongs to Americans!

So, for basic rights, like being recruited into the military or being allowed to volunteer for medical experiments, or just to work here in the United States, there would be that basic citizenship tier. In fact that's probably what we'd call it, Basic Citizenship, like basic cable, just a few channels, no sports and certainly no HBO.

For $5,000 a year, there would be Red Band Citizenship, entitling you to social security and medicare, and to a variety of tax cuts and other social advantages.

Double that to $10,000 and you enter club class, with the Blue Ribbon Citizenship. Now you get phone access to Senators, the Governor, the heads of any corporation you put more than $250,000 into. And you're on the lists for invites to special occasions.

No, not Chelsea's wedding, but the things that count, like inauguration day or pre-convention meet-ups with Presidential candidates, that sort of thing.

Okay, for a neat $100,000 a year, you'd enter the golden circle. This is where real citizenship would begin with the Golden Star Citizen Award. And the Award would bring plenty of rewards with it, including a great spread of tax-cut opportunities as well as government payoffs for any sweet little deals that you can come up with involving soybeans for Somalia or whathaveyou.

With the Golden Star you get access, at least two phone calls a year to the Senator of your choice, and the opportunity to get on the list for Gold Star phone calls to the President, the Vice President and your choice of three members of the Supreme Court.

Now, take it up to the Diamond Pin Class, at $1 million a year, and you're really talking. You get actual involvement in shaping tax cut policy, as well as government assistance in taking over small foreign nations, as well as the right to call in an airstrike now and then against frustrating foreign business opponents.

Enjoy sit downs with the Speaker of the House, Senate Leaders, Appellate Court Judges and — most crucially — advance warning of any moves by the Fed to change interest rates. Be involved in the negotiations over tax cut policy, speak personally once a month with the President, play golf with the Vice President at least once a year, and be on the invitation list for all Presidential banquets. Of course, not everyone will get invited every year to those, but you will have the inside track.

America is the land of opportunity, and the more money you have the more opportunity you have. The notion that you deserve anything at all, just because you were born somewhere, is nuts. In this life you only get what you pay for, and if citizenship is a valuable product then it should be priced accordingly.